The gentle people of WLBOTT are, for the most part, human, and with that comes the failings and temptations that befall us all.
At a low point, with all the poisonous news of the world, we considered an easy way out – a life of crime.
“Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.”
Jonathan Swift, A Tritical Essay upon the Faculties of the Mind (1707)
What makes this quote sting is not just injustice, but visibility. These are not hidden crimes, not whispered rumors passed in taverns. They are documented, photographed, recorded, litigated, “investigated,” endlessly discussed. The evidence stacks up like cordwood, yet consequence remains theoretical. Accountability becomes a press release instead of an event.
Imagine if your pastor, your kid’s 5th grade teacher, your neighbor, even your best friend, was credibly accused of even 1% of the documented repulsive crimes against tRump – you would immediately take action.
But we live in a multi-tiered justice system, where laws don’t apply to the rich and powerful. Again this begs the question: should the Elders of WLBOTT begin a life of crime?
Theoretical Benefits of a WLBOTT Life of Crime (by Elder G)
(strictly imaginary, poorly planned, and almost certainly abandoned mid-scheme)
1. Community Building Through Shared Secrecy
Nothing bonds people like a plan everyone knows will fail. Whispered conversations. Overly complicated codenames. Someone inevitably asking, “Wait, are we the decoys or the thinkers?” Trust is built. Mostly through mutual embarrassment.
2. Heightened Appreciation for Lawful Living
After three hours mapping escape routes that lead directly to a gift shop, one develops a renewed love for receipts, queues, and polite signage. Crime, contemplated deeply, becomes the strongest argument for staying home and making soup.
3. Intellectual Exercise
Planning a caper is Sudoku with consequences. Hypothetical consequences. You sharpen logic, test assumptions, then discover you forgot to factor in lunch and everyone disperses. Minds stretched. Bellies growling.
4. Costume Opportunities
Robes with “stealth embroidery.” Sunglasses worn indoors at night. Gloves inappropriate for the climate. Crime-adjacent fashion is a victimless joy.
Elder G and I Prepare for the “Sit-Down” with the Council of Elders
We were prepared for the gathering of Elders, to present our case for a life of crime.
I think we look pretty snazzy.
We Encounter the WLBOTT CEO
Our acting CEO, Twinetta Yarnburger, was initially miffed at our interruption.
“You come to me on the day of the Twine Festival.”
But soon Twinetta saw the opportunity to rapidly increase shareholder value.
She called a general session of the Elders.
Our Canadian Elder, Elder JA, had a series of cross-border capers that he enthusiastically described to the group.
Elder JA sells the group. Acting CEO Twinetta Yarnburger gives the group a mysterious smile. Either she is showing her tacit approval, or she is hoping the more annoying Elders will end up in the hoosegow[1].
[1] WLBOTT Word-of-the-Day: Hoosegow
Our First Caper
Elder JA‘s crime-life-plan is based on an article he read on MSN by Jesse Singer titled “Americans should know that these ‘normal’ things they do are illegal in Canada”.
These questionable Canadian activities include, but are not limited to:
- Transporting Firewood Across Borders
- Holding a Cell Phone While Driving
- Right Turn on Red (Montreal)
- Flying Drones Near People or Buildings
- Driving With a Cracked Windshield
- Metal Detectors on Beaches & Parks
- Buying Raw Milk
- Keeping Certain Exotic Pets
- Pepper Spray for Self-Defense
- Taser Ownership
- Driving With a Radar Detector
- Maple Syrup Law Enforcement
We tried to incorporate as many of these illegal activities as possible in our first Life of Crime Adventure:
