The Elders Get a Smart Phone: A Trial in the Hero’s Journey

Before we get too far into this nonsense, let me say a couple of things:

this story is approximately 57.3% true
all the phone employees we encountered were courteous, professional, and above all else, incredibly patient
that being said, there is no such thing as a “pleasant” cell phone store experience

Journey of the Magenti

The WLBOTT Elders, some of whom had never owned a “smart” phone nervously entered a T-Mobile store recently.

We huddled like poor immigrants at T.S. Eliot Island, fearful of this unknown place with its strange customs, clothing, music, and rituals. O our tired limbs were

galled, sore-footed, refractory

We waited and waited for our audience with the phone-priestess. We considered it a sacred time,

The Prolonged Penance of the Phone Petitioners
The Sacred Standstill of the SIM Supplicants
The Holy Hiatus of the Humble Handset Hopefuls
The Sacred Stall of the Service-Plan Seekers

At the end, we were…

Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

We were able to trade in a HAM radio, several non-functional beepers, and a telegraph machine to offset the cost of our new phones.

The Sorcery of the Small Screen

When first presented with a demo phone, the Elders were aghast at the sorcery presented to them.

“Behold! A Bewitch’d Box of Boundless Voices!”

“This… this must be Witchcraft of the Wireless Ways!”

“Is… is this how they trap spirits in the modern age?”

Fear Not the Infinite Scroll

Elder Agathina was overcome by the concept of the “infinite scroll”. At one point she had to be revived by a nurturing T-Mobile staff member.

Rites and Rituals of Setup

When we returned to the combination WLBOTT HQ / People of the Perpetual Twine Monastery, we followed the strict order of rites and rituals to welcome our new phones.

The ancient verse echoed in our ears….
this communication quest was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our WLBOTT Headquarters,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their “smart” phones.

1. The Procession of the Glowing Boxes

The Elders return in a slow solemn march, each carrying their new device in its slick cardboard shrine. The boxes are held aloft like ancient relics, still bearing factory seals and the faint odor of corporate hope.

A chant arises:

“May our signal be strong, and our battery not perish in the night.”

2: The Unveiling of the USB-C

A High Elder steps forward holding the sacred cable, known among the Elders only as The Reversible Connector—a new technology rumored to work no matter which way you insert it (in theory).

They recite the ancient proverb:

“Let it be known: no longer shall we flip the plug thrice before it fits.”

Many weep.

3. The Mystery of Electricity

The cable is presented before the Wall of Outlets, a fearsome installation of sockets rumored to hold the very essence of lightning. Elder JimZim approaches cautiously with the offering.

At the moment of insertion, all gasp as a tiny lightning rune icon appears on the screen. Someone whispers:

“Behold… it… charges.”

A goat bleats in approval.

4. The Binding of the SIM

A paperclip is straightened with ritual reverence. The SIM pinhole is located after an unnecessary search. Insertion is made. Connection is established. A carrier signal appears: “T-Mobile LTE // Twine-Based Roaming Enabled”

The crowd murmurs:

“We are recognized by the Network.”