Let me give you a little background. Recently I had a routine doctor’s visit, and afterwards I was checking the doctor’s notes on the patient portal. The doctor made a comment, which I think is standard medical boilerplate, that “the patient was alert and lucid.”
I found that very funny, and frankly, that was the nicest thing anyone’s said about me in a long time!
“The patient seemed lucid.”
Seemed. Lucid.
Three syllables that brought tears to my eyes and confusion to my family.
Lucid, lucid, I've been thinking
How to keep your mind from sinking
Clear your cache 'bout once a day
That should keep the blues away
- an Elder who wishes to remain Anonymous
Our junior marketing intern George (he’s single, ladies!) had a different take on the doctor/patient interaction.
Medical Praise, Ranked
To guide future WLBOTT medical pilgrims, we now rank standard physician notes:
| Doctor’s Comment | WLBOTT Interpretation | Emotional Impact |
|---|---|---|
| “The patient seemed lucid” | High praise. Frame it. | 🥲🥲🥲 |
| “Alert and oriented x3” | Not as good. Sounds like you’re being counted for census. | 🥲🥲 |
| “Pleasant” | Ominous. Often used right before a psych consult. | 🥲 |
| “In no acute distress” | A low bar, but still something. | 😐 |
| “Tolerated the exam well” | A classic backhanded compliment. | 😐 |
The Lucidity Booth
As a service to our loyal customers, we’ve opened a Lucidity kiosk.
The 12 Levels of Lucidity (WLBOTT Classification System)
As recognized by the WLBOTT College of Mostly Applied Mental Observations (CoMAMO)
| Level | Name | WLBOTT Description |
|---|---|---|
| I. Lucid Prime | “Blinding clarity” | Rare. Occurs after a three-day fast, full moon, and perfect espresso. Thought to enable limited telepathy with squirrels. |
| II. Lucid Enough | “Good for tax forms and small talk” | The gold standard for most Elders. High-functioning, but avoids philosophy after dinner. |
| III. Seemed Lucid | “Clinically passable” | The sacred phrase. May have just nodded at the right time. Often mistaken for understanding. |
| IV. Mostly Lucid | “But not on Thursdays” | Known for pockets of insight, especially during weather reports and infomercials. |
| V. Situationally Lucid | “Sharp during Jeopardy!” | Full lucidity available in short bursts. Excellent at trivia, hopeless at assembling IKEA furniture. |
| VI. Retroactively Lucid | “Ohhh… now I get it” | Achieves lucidity only after the moment has passed. Common during awkward social interactions. |
| VII. Lucid-Like | “Emitting lucidity vibes” | Cannot answer simple questions but wears glasses and looks thoughtful. Frequently quoted in meetings. |
| VIII. Pre-Lucid | “Warm-up stage” | Appears to be thinking deeply, but is actually watching a mental screensaver. |
| IX. Semi-Conscious Scribbler | “Journaling furiously, understanding nothing” | Usually found at indie cafés or poetry workshops. |
| X. Glazed and Bemused | “Lucid-adjacent” | Eyes open, lights on, but watching a mental nature documentary narrated by Alan Watts. |
| XI. Lucid-ish | “Not technically asleep” | The person you talk to during a Zoom meeting who says “Yeah, that makes sense” regardless of topic. |
| XII. Post-Lucid | “Beyond clarity, into the void” | Achieved only by Elders during long Board of Elder meetings. Also known as The Twelfth Trance. A state of peace, bafflement, and possible enlightenment. |
“What Level of Lucidity Are You?”
A diagnostic quiz by the WLBOTT College of Mostly Applied Mental Observations (CoMAMO)
Results not reviewed by any medical authority. Or any authority at all.
Instructions:
Answer each question truthfully, or just say “Hmm” for every answer if you want to skip the thinking part and go straight to Level VII: Lucid-Like. We don’t judge. We categorize.
1. You walk into a room and forget why. What do you do?
A. Retrace my steps to reconstruct intent.
B. Assume it was bathroom-related and act accordingly.
C. Eat a cracker and hope it jogs something.
D. Hmm.
2. Someone says, “The quadratic formula.” Your response?
A. “x equals negative b, plus or minus…” — the whole thing.
B. “I had that once. Cleared up with antibiotics.”
C. “Is that like new math or old math?”
D. Hmm.
3. You’re asked to define ‘lucid’. How do you reply?
A. “Clear, rational, aware. Like my prose!”
B. “Depends. Am I awake or dreaming this?”
C. “Lucid is… like… you know. Lucid.”
D. Hmm.
4. What is your ideal method of decision-making?
A. Logical matrix, weighted scoring.
B. Flip a coin. If it lands upright, flee.
C. Consult the oldest chicken.
D. Hmm.
5. What’s your usual reaction when someone calls your name?
A. “Yes?”
B. “What did I do now?”
C. “Do I know you?”
D. Hmm.
6. Complete the phrase: “I think, therefore…”
A. “…I am.”
B. “…I might be.”
C. “…who’s asking?”
D. Hmm.
7. How many tabs are open in your browser right now?
A. 1-3: Clean and focused.
B. 4-12: Healthy curiosity.
C. 78 and one is playing music. I don’t know which.
D. Hmm.
8. What’s your greatest intellectual achievement this week?
A. Solved a complex puzzle or read a challenging article.
B. Located my keys in under 10 minutes.
C. I put my shoes on the correct feet.
D. Hmm.
9. You’re asked your opinion on quantum physics. You say:
A. “Fascinating interplay between uncertainty and observation.”
B. “I’m more of a Newtonian guy.”
C. “Is that the one with time travel or the shrinking people?”
D. Hmm.
10. What’s your favorite thing about WLBOTT?
A. The intellectual rigor.
B. The ceremonial use of twine.
C. The snacks.
D. Hmm.
