The Conclave Buffet and Why It Matters

One of the Elders asked why we spend so much time discussing the digestive systems of the Cardinals of the Conclave.

This topic actually has great historical significance. Elder DZ and I have discussed this many times. Martin Luther, the founder and CEO of the Reformation, was notoriously constipated. The entire arc of western history would have been altered if he had access to Metamucil.

At one time, Elder DZ was going to write his doctoral feces on this topic.

Another Elder provided important historical context related to nuances of the Conclave Buffet.

Gents – through secret sources, I have received instructions to the nuns preparing lunch for the cardinals that are sequestered in the Sistine Chapel with no windows to open or modern air circulation. The menu is bland and these items are explicitly banned from serving due to their ability to produce large amounts of methane in the gut that eventually gets released during deliberations.

On the “do not serve” list:

Sauerkraut

Chickpeas

Cauliflower

Broccoli

Cabbage

Beans

Asparagus

Lentils

Indian food

The banning of these items is a result of the longest conclave in history- the conclave that selected Pope Gregory X in after a three year election -1268-1271. Wiki mentions a reduction of food to bread and water to encourage a final vote but forgot to mention the nuns also served copious amounts of beans which finally led to the compromise to elect Gregory X.
Elder JimZim

We think Elder JimZim may be projecting…. projectiling….

Anyhow, a little known fact about the 1268-1271 conclave: an agenda item for the papal budget should have read “Guns and Butter,” but an unfortunate typo had the line item as “Nuns and Butter.”

Can We Please Get Back On-Topic?

Of course.

The 1268–71 papal election (from November 1268 to 1 September 1271), following the death of Pope Clement IV, was the longest papal election in the history of the Catholic Church. This was due primarily to political infighting between the cardinals.
[…]
As a result of the length of the election, during which three of the twenty cardinal-electors died and one resigned,
[…]
According to the account of Onofrio Panvinio, Cardinal John of Toledo suggested that the roof be removed (“Let us uncover the Room, else the Holy Ghost will never get at us”—the first recorded reference to the notion that the Holy Spirit should guide cardinal electors), which the two magistrates readily obliged. Other sources say it was Charles of Anjou who orchestrated the reduction of the diet of the cardinals to bread and water and the removal of the roof of the Papal Palace. Some sources say that a makeshift roof was reassembled after the cardinals threatened to put the entire city of Viterbo under interdict.
Wikipedia

To speed things along for this conclave, the buffet will actually feature cruciferous vegetables, and the roof and vents will be hermetically sealed.