Two days ago, the WLBOTT HQ experienced an extremely unpleasant weather situation.
Note the “Feels Like” temp:
This “Feels Like” Concept
We need to extend this concept to other areas of life, not just the weather.
For example, when your wife says, “Do you have a minute?” At this point “feels like” is like a condemned prisoner making the final trek to the gallows. I abandon all hope and accept the unavoidable. It’s never good, and usually leads to me spending the rest of the weekend on my back, under the sink, with water dripping on my forehead.
Other “Feels Like” Situations
Actual Situation
Feels Like
Three minutes waiting for the microwave (bean and cheese burrito)
The fall of the Roman Empire
Four-hour high school graduation ceremony
17 hours with an unreachable, itchy mosquito bite
Waiting for Windows to install updates
Coffee break – where you trek to Colombia and pick your own beans
One minute before the bathroom becomes available
A random stranger explaining block chain
Thirty seconds after sending an embarrassing WLBOTT email
The need to reflect on life choices and consider a life as a goat herder.
Family member saying “We need to talk”
Two weeks in a North Korean Re-education Camp
Holding a crying baby at 3 AM
A Viking saga
Sally the Intern reviewing the grocery list
A lecture on the complete history of agriculture, with a special focus on the pigweed flea beetle. The lecture is not in a recognizable language. There is an accompanying interpretive dance.
The index could be calculated from:
Feels Like Duration = Actual Duration × (Boredom + Discomfort + Anxiety + Chair Hardness) ÷ Available Snacks
Apparent Temperature
The AT is defined as the temperature, at the reference humidity level, producing the same amount of discomfort as that experienced under the current ambient temperature and humidity.
The formula is:
AT=Ta+0.33e−0.7v−4.00,
where:
Ta is dry-bulb temperature (°C)
e is water vapour pressure (hPa)
v is wind speed (m/s) at an elevation of 10 m (33 ft)
e=RH100⋅6.105⋅exp(17.27⋅Ta237.7+Ta), The vapour pressure can be calculated from the temperature and relative humidity using the equation:
Clearly this award goes to Cool Hand Luke, but there are many other fine candidates.
Little did I know when beginning this BLOTT that there is already and IMBD page dedicated to The Sweatiest Movies of All Times. Interestingly, we both agree on the #1 choice.
Other notable movies from this page include Ben-Hur, Rocky, Das Boot[1], and Body Heat.
[1] Das Boot, as I recall, also gets my vote for smelliest movie. Sweaty guys in a WWII submarine, recycled air, diesel fumes, cabbage.
We must also include Aliens:
But for a truly masterful treatment, the following is essential viewing:
Some sweaty pix from the silver screen….
Notably missing from the IMBD list is Soylent Green.
Noticeably not sweaty are Les femmes de Solent, Leigh Taylor-Young and Paula Kelly.
Of course, with Charlton Heston, there’s a thin line between sweaty and greasy.
It was rumored that Heston had to shower with an industrial degreaser after a long day of filming.
1950s Gladiator movies form their own sub-genre of sweaty/greasy.
Why are the emperors always depicted as the bad guys?
I’m sure the emperors had their people’s best interests at heart, just like our leaders of today.
Sweat – The Nuts and Bolts
Perspiration, also known as sweat, is the fluid secreted by sweat glands in the skin of mammals.[1]
Two types of sweat glands can be found in humans: eccrine glands and apocrine glands. The eccrine sweat glands are distributed over much of the body and are responsible for secreting the watery, brackish sweat most often triggered by excessive body temperature. Apocrine sweat glands are restricted to the armpits and a few other areas of the body and produce an odorless, oily, opaque secretion which then gains its characteristic odor from bacterial decomposition.
Maximum sweat rates of an adult can be up to 2–4 litres (0.5–1 US gal) per hour or 10–14 litres (2.5–3.5 US gal) per day
Although sweating is found in a wide variety of mammals, relatively few (apart from humans, horses, some primates and some bovidae) produce sweat in order to cool down.
Sweat is mostly water. […] Although the mineral content varies, some measured concentrations are: sodium (0.9 gram/litre), potassium (0.2 g/L), calcium (0.015 g/L), and magnesium (0.0013 g/L).
Many other trace elements are also excreted in sweat […] zinc (0.4 milligrams/litre), copper (0.3–0.8 mg/L), iron (1 mg/L), chromium (0.1 mg/L), nickel (0.05 mg/L), and lead (0.05 mg/L).
Sweat may serve an antimicrobial function, like that of earwax or other secretory fluids (e.g., tears, saliva, and milk).
Late Stage Capitalism: Exploiting Specimen Perspirius Maximus
Nobody is backing a tanker truck up to a spin class and refining the perspiration – yet. But WLBOTT doesn’t want to leave any money on the table.
Elder G runs the numbers on a 10-liter per day sweaty Austin Guy, Perspirius Maximus
10-liter sweat mineral value
Mineral / element
Amount in 10 L sweat
Price used
Value
Sodium
9 g
~$3.00/kg
$0.0270
Potassium
2 g
~$12.85/kg
$0.0257
Calcium
150 mg
~$2.28/kg
$0.00034
Magnesium
13 mg
~$2.32/kg
$0.00003
Zinc
4 mg
~$3.56/kg
$0.000014
Copper
3–8 mg
~$13.96/kg
$0.000112
Iron
10 mg
~$0.424/kg
$0.000004
Chromium
1 mg
~$9.40/kg
$0.000009
Nickel
0.5 mg
~$17.54/kg
$0.000009
Lead
0.5 mg
~$1.98/kg
$0.000001
Grand total
About $0.053, or 5.3 cents.
At WLBOTT, we’re all about increasing shareholder value, so we are going to leverage our knowledge about sweat mineral contents and reap the benefits.
Historical Precedents
Saint Perspira of the Second Towel
Patron Saint of Perspiration, Honest Labor, and Shareholder Value
Her feast day varies, based on weather conditions, so that it may fall on the hottest day of the year, and the traditional observance would consist of mowing a lawn, staying hydrated, driving Sally the Intern back and forth to her day job (WLBOTT Mobile AC is currently non-functional).
Hidrotia, The Greek Goddess: “She Who Glistens”
There is some historical evidence[citation needed] to suggest that Saint Perspira is a Christianized version of the Greek Goddess Hidrotia Almyra
The Invocation:
Hidrotia Almyra, Lady of the Brow and Brine, bless our exertions, consecrate our towels, and increase shareholder value by measurable droplets.
