We’re looking at Russia’s Patriot Park, a delightful celebration of Russia’s contribution to enriching themselves. Designed with MAGAt sensibilities, visitors can spend their time and their rubles enjoying the technology of death.
Getting There
Concession Stand Specials – Patriot Park Edition
Spy Sundae
- Two scoops of beet sorbet topped with “classified” chocolate shavings and a tiny edible microphone.
- Served with two spoons — one for you, one for your handler.
Freedom Fritters
- Deep-fried, freeze-dried Soviet rations, lovingly battered in imported NATO flour. Comes with a side of suspicion.
Herring-on-a-Bayonet
- Classic pickled herring skewered on a bayonet (rust optional). For the nostalgic revolutionary in all of us.
Sanctions Salt Pretzel
- A dry, sad pretzel twisted in the shape of a tank tread. No mustard — it’s embargoed.
Propaganda Punch
- A syrupy red slush served in a missile-shaped cup. Includes a free decoder ring that definitely doesn’t listen to you.
Kompromat Corn Dog
- Filled with mystery meat and just a hint of guilt. Comes wrapped in a tiny shredded dossier napkin.
Red Square Sliders
- Three tiny beet-and-pork sliders stacked like a Leninist pyramid. Top one inexplicably contains dill and regret.
Operation Glazov Cupcakes
- Dense and colorless, each cupcake is topped with a single surveillance drone sugar decoration. Do not ask about the filling.
Silent Cinema Popcorn
- Unsalted, unbuttered, and entirely flavorless. Mandatory consumption during state-sponsored cartoons.
But the real crowd-pleaser is Borscht On-A-Stick:
WLBOTT Acts of Rebellion
Sadly, we’ve never heard back from our brave freedom fighters.
Friendly Employees
Schadenfreude As A Service (SAAS)
Our new WLBOTT business unit, Schadenfreude As A Service (SAAS), will provide subscribed members with timely alerts when bad things happen to bad people.
We offer various alert levels:
Level 1 Alerts (an economical choice for budget-minded Schadenfreuderests) includes the standard former Bolshoi dancer, and our custodian plodding through War and Peace.
Platinum service includes access to our tactical emergency response van, branded as “S.E.R.V. – Schadenfreude Emergency Response Van.”
