Today we’ll explore the adventures of Elder Seemoore. He recently had cataract surgery on his left eye, and will have the second surgery soon.
Okay, the pirate thing (eye patch, parrot on shoulder, etc.) will get annoying pretty fast, so let’s just get it over with….
Ahoy, matey! Splice the mainbrace and cast yer good eye this way! I be absolutely in. If it’s cataracts and the grand correction of the ocular lens ye want to talk about, ye’ve steered into the right port.
Let’s lay down the charts on what a cataract actually is before we talk about swapping out the old sails for new ones.
What Be a Cataract, Truly?
In the language of the high seas, a cataract is like a thick fog rolling in over your ship’s lantern. Inside yer eyeball sits a clear, natural lens. Its only job is to focus light so ye can spot treasure (or the Spanish Armada) on the horizon.
Swapping the Sails: Cataract Surgery
Now, back in the old days of piracy, if yer lens went cloudy, ye were fit for nothing but the cooking galley. But modern medical sorcery has turned it into one of the most successful, routine voyages in all of medicine.
The surgeon doesn’t just scrape the fog away—they replace the whole rigging.
- Numbing the Waters: Pre-op.
They douse yer eye with numbing drops. Ye’ll be awake, but floating in a pleasant, painless calm. - The Tiny Incision: The Opening.
The surgeon makes a microscopic cut in the cornea—the clear front window of yer eye. It’s so small it usually needs no stitches at all, sealing up by its own accord. - Phacoemulsification: Blasting the Fog.
They use ultrasonic sound waves to break that old, cloudy lens into tiny pieces, then gently vacuum the debris out of the eye capsule. - The New Rigging: Inserting the IOL.
In goes a shiny new Intraocular Lens (IOL). It’s a permanent, artificial lens folded up tight, which unfolds inside the eye to restore crystal-clear sight.
From the Mayo Clinic
A cataract is a clouding of the lens of the eye, which is typically clear. For people who have cataracts, seeing through cloudy lenses is often like looking through a frosty or fogged-up window. Clouded vision caused by cataracts can make it hard to read, drive a car at night or see the expression on a friend’s face.
Most cataracts develop slowly and don’t disturb eyesight early on. But with time, cataracts will eventually affect vision.
At first, stronger lighting and eyeglasses can help deal with cataracts. But if impaired vision affects usual activities, cataract surgery might be needed. Cataract surgery is generally a safe, effective procedure.
Mayo Clinic
Elder Seemoore’s Experience
Pre-op
About a week before the first surgery, Elder Seemoore went in for a pre-op visit. Fancy machines measured the topology of the eyeballs. He was given a goody bag with eye drops, a plastic eye patch, a roll of medical duct tape, and detailed instructions.
The Day Of
The day before the surgery, Elder Seemoore was on a clear liquid diet. After midnight, no nada – no food or water. He followed the schedule for DIY eyeball dilation. arriving at the surgical center with his left eye fully dilated. Then things happened quickly – a friendly nurse walked him thru some paperwork, checked his vitals, and started an IV in his hand.
The staff was adament that Elder Seemoore had a ride home. The explicitly repeated that Uber and Lyft rides were not allowed. When Elder Seemoore inquired about this restriction, they said that the Uber driver is not prepared to handle a possibly judgment-impaired post-anesthesia patient. But wait! Don’t judgment-impaired, intoxicated riders make up about 90% of Uber’s business?
The small pre-op room had a wall-mounted dispenser of emesis bags[3].
A quick visit from the doctor and anesthesiologist, then he was whisked away in a wheelchair into the operating room. The nurse anesthesiologist introduced himself, and just as Elder Seemoore complained that he wasn’t feeling anything, the dimensions of time and space were altered; he had the sensation of briefly looking into the light at the end of a dark tunnel.
Then he was cleared out, back to the exam room. In the exam room, the nurse went over the post-op requirements, specifically telling him that he should avoid swimming in any federal reflecting pools.
The next day, Elder Seemore had perfect vision, without corrective lenses, in his left eye. The doctor explained that he was one of the lucky ones, where the decades-long buildup of myopia and astigmatism were contained in the gunky lens that they replaced.
[3] WL-Barf™
This is an opportunity to increase WLBOTT shareholder value. This seems like a competitive, but lucrative market, based on the Amazon search. Two important selling points are: quick-seal and leak-proof.
First, a glossy magazine advertising campaign in all the reputable medical journals.
The High-Seas Pirate Emesis Pack for Post-Cataract Patients
The “Belay That Bilge” Grog Guard: A deep midnight-black bag featuring a skull wearing a clear plastic eye patch. It comes with a matching custom eye shield to ensure your good eye stays completely protected from rogue sea spray during a heavy post-anesthesia swell.
A Guaranteed Market: The Ladle & Lube
Thank you for recycling.
The Bronze Plan
Not everyone is as fortunate as Elder Seemoore. He was tended to by competent, friendly, compassionate doctors and nurses. All the procedures and appointments were within three miles of WLBOTT HQ. The process was efficient and the activities were highly choreographed.
The national average cash price for standard cataract surgery ranges from $3,500 to $7,000 per eye without insurance. In Texas, the average out-of-pocket cost is about $3,361 per eye. That can be a serious barrier for someone on a tight margin in today’s America.
But American capitalism is nothing if not creative, capturing every opportunity to maximize profit. We came across some budget plans, as seen on TV.
A Quick Note from The Guardian
Although this Guardian article, written over 9 years ago, is describing lasik surgery, the opening paragraph could have been written this morning.
Let’s imagine for a moment that the world is about to end, by which I mean let’s read literally any news story from the past 18 months and follow it through to its natural conclusion. Got it?
A Sad Eyeball Story
Within WLBOTT, Johann Sebastian Bach is a revered figure. The story of his death is one of the most tragic chapters in music history.
Bach suffered from poor vision throughout his life, most likely due to myopia (near-sightedness).
There’s an interesting Bach / Handel connection:
George Frideric Handel (1685–1759) and Bach were born the very same year, and only 80 miles from one another in Germany. Handel was trained as a composer in Germany and originally composed operas in both German and Italian. However, his career really took off when he decided to permanently settle in England. He became a naturalized English citizen in 1712. Once Handel began to compose operas and concertos in English, and especially after the smashing success of “Messiah” in 1741, he never wrote in Italian or German again. Unlike Bach, Handel was a celebrated composer during his lifetime and quite wealthy.
While Bach and Handel never met while they were alive, they did both have the misfortune to encounter a man named John Taylor (1707–c1772). John Taylor was a traveling English eye surgeon who operated throughout the British Isles and continental Europe. He is now widely considered to be a quack and a fraudster.
AAO.org
Taylor rolled into town in a fancy coach with eyeballs painted on the sides. He performed several eye surgeries (couchings) on Bach, bragged about his success to local newspapers, and then hit the road. By this point Bach was completely blind, and died from an infection that began in his eyes and traveled throughout his body.
Bach developed severe infections. He was treated with the ever-popular course of laxatives and bleeding and died completely blind three months later. When Taylor left Leipzig for Berlin, he was promptly banished from Prussia (modern Northern Germany) by King Frederick II “The Great” (1712–1786).
AAO.org
Handel suffered a similar fate in 1758 in England, again at the hands of Taylor.
And post-op care? Taylor headed out of town as soon as he received payment, one step ahead of the law. He provided no post-op care, but Elder G describes was would have been the treatments Bach would have received:
Within a week of Bach’s first surgery, the lens likely floated right back up into place or heavy swelling blocked his vision, prompting Taylor to cut into the eye a second time. This second intrusion likely triggered severe intraocular pressure (secondary glaucoma) and a massive bacterial infection (endophthalmitis).
To “treat” the ensuing post-operative fever and blinding infections, 18th-century medical practice dictated aggressive systemic therapies:
- Bloodletting: Draining the patient’s blood to balance the “humors.”
- Heavy Laxatives: To purge the body.
- Bizarre Eyedrops: Taylor’s typical post-op drops included ingredients like pulverized sugar, baked salt, or fresh blood from slaughtered pigeons.
Weakened by the agonizing pain, the infections, and the draining medical treatments, Bach spent his final months in total darkness. He suffered a stroke and died on July 28, 1750, less than four months after the final surgery.
What happened to “Chevalier” John Taylor?
AAO.org
Thankfully, it does seem that karma finally caught up to John Taylor. After being banished from Prussia by royal decree and having some heavily publicized failures in England, Taylor found himself in severe financial straits. By the 1760s, his own vision was ironically declining, and he was roaming around the German states trying to avoid legal actions from patients. The exact circumstances of his death are unknown. Historical sources claim that John Taylor died anywhere between Rome and Paris, and his own grandson claimed that he died in a convent in Prague in 1772. What they all agreed on, though, was that he died both blind and penniless.
A Happier Outcome
Our senior Señor Seemoore had a much happier outcome. His left eyeball has been restored to a clarity not seen since early childhood (reading all those pulp sci-fi books by flashlight under the covers led to nearsightedness, but well worth the cost).
Another pleasant surprise was the new vibrancy in colors. He’s able to blink back and forth during this week (good eye / bad eye) and notice the enormous difference.
ElderSeemoore has been manage much of our recent AI image generation, and would often note the dark and muted colors in the AI images, then adjust the gamma and saturation settings. This was all because his eyeballs were casting a sepia fog over everything.
How he saw it:
What he posted:
How it really looked:
