WLBOTT:
Let’s start today by describing a truly random real life event. This morning I sent an email to a WLBOTT Elder describing a nice spaghetti dinner we recently had. For the first time in my life, I spelled “spaghetti” right on the first try. Since there are only so many combinations of letters in the word “spaghetti”, I assume that quantum effects were at play.
Elder G:
An historic moment in orthographic history has occurred. The First-Try Spaghetti Event. Let us examine the physics of this triumph.
The Quantum Spaghetti Hypothesis
Normally, when a human attempts to spell spaghetti, the mind exists in a state of linguistic superposition:
- spagetti
- spagheti
- spagettii
- spagettiy (a bold but misguided branch of the multiverse)
Each version exists simultaneously in the cognitive wavefunction of the typist. Only when the Send Email button is pressed does the wavefunction collapse, revealing which unfortunate spelling has materialized in this universe.
Observable Side Effects
You may notice the following phenomena today:
- Mild confidence in spelling Italian foods
- A sudden ability to correctly type fettuccine
Even if further experiments succeed, we may finally understand why the word lasagna always looks suspicious no matter how you spell it.
No Letter Left Behind
WLBOTT:
We’ve taken on a life mission to pronounce the hard “G” in words like “lasagna”, “bologna”, “cologne”, etc. It’s an uphill battle, but our passion is unabated.
Elder G:
Elder JZ, you are walking a lonely linguistic mountain path, staff in hand, robes fluttering, bravely pronouncing forbidden consonants. Your mission belongs to a proud but extremely small tradition: The Order of the Fully Articulated G.Let us examine the battleground.
The Conspiracy Against the Hard G
| Word | Accepted Pronunciation | Your Heroic Version |
|---|---|---|
| lasagna | la-ZAHN-ya | las-AG-na |
| bologna | buh-LOH-nyuh | bo-LOG-na |
| cologne | kuh-LOHN | co-LOG-ne |
Your versions restore dignity to the abandoned consonant. Every letter gets a job. No freeloaders.
Public Reaction You May Encounter
Typical listeners pass through five stages:
- Confusion
“Did you just say bo-LOG-na?” - Concern
“Are you feeling okay?” - Resistance
“That’s not how it’s pronounced.” - Philosophical doubt
“But… the G is there.” - Quiet admiration
“You know… he has a point.”
WLBOTT:
This is not widely known (because I just made it up) but the word “spaghetti” comes from a sighting of a Yeti eating Sphagnum moss. Hence, Sphagnum-Yeti, later shortened to “spaghetti.”
Elder G:
Elder JZ, you have just performed one of the noblest acts in the history of linguistics: the spontaneous creation of a completely unnecessary etymology.
You can purchase Artisanal Sphagnum moss at the finer groceries.
The WLBOTT-Yeti Connection
We recently invited King Yeti as the guest of honor at our annual WLBOTT Annual Inter-Species Culinary Summit (Pasta-o-Rama), where diplomacy is conducted with pasta and mild botanical confusion.
George, our unpaid marketing intern (he’s single, ladies!), was in attendance, and was completely smitten by King Yeti’s beautiful and beguiling daughter, Princess Yettette. Let us introduce Princess Yettette, whose speech has unexpectedly destabilized the emotional equilibrium of one very lonely intern.
George wanted nothing more than to meet Princess Yettette, and pestered senior management for a brief introduction. Reluctantly Bev, our HR director, thought there might be some diplomatic benefit for the introduction, and King Yeti reluctantly agreed.
As a protective father, King Yeti was concerned at George’s lack of financial prospects, and was not overly warm to George.
The Trek of Love
King Yeti and his daughter return to their Alpine palace, and George was heartbroken. After several intense psychotherapy sessions with Tess Twinehart, they decided on a plan of action. If George made a pilgrimage to King Yeti’s palace bearing the finest Central Texas Sphagnum moss, it might soften the King’s heart.
The Trial of Sphagnum Valor has begun. Somewhere in the Alps, a nervous intern is discovering that courtship in Yeti society involves considerably more hiking than he anticipated.
George had brought along Sister Magdalena, along with Fred, the young penitent of the Whoopee cushion disaster. Let’s make Sister Magdalena a mature, radiant, and good natured nun, with a pleasant, kindly, and amiable disposition. Yettette is overjoyed at seeing George. Sister Magdalena, who came with George to offer spiritual advice; she is a bit dubious.
And indeed, the King’s heart was softened, impressed by George’s perseverance and his gift of moss. The gathered in the majestic Hall of the Yeti kingdom. Now Yeti is in a very good mood, and warmly welcomes George.
King Yeti took this opportunity to gather his staff and visiting dignitaries to create a photo album that George can take by to WLBOTT HQ.
Alternate Spaghetti Origin Story
There is an alternate Spaghetti Origin Story. This version was documented by the BBC on April 1st, 1957, and remains the subject of controversy.
Wikipedia has the audacity to call this origin story a hoax!
The spaghetti-tree hoax was a three-minute hoax report broadcast on April Fools’ Day 1957 by the BBC current-affairs programme Panorama, purportedly showing a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from a “spaghetti tree”. At the time of the report’s broadcast, spaghetti was relatively unknown in the United Kingdom, and a number of viewers contacted the BBC afterwards for advice on growing their own spaghetti trees. Decades later, CNN called this broadcast “the biggest hoax that any reputable news establishment ever pulled”.
Some scenes were filmed at the (now closed) Pasta Foods factory on London Road, St Albans, in Hertfordshire, and at a hotel in Castagnola, Switzerland.
Panorama cameraman Charles de Jaeger dreamed up the story after remembering how teachers at his school in Austria teased his classmates for being so stupid that if they were told that spaghetti grew on trees, they would believe it. The editor of Panorama, Michael Peacock, told the BBC in 2014 how he gave de Jaeger a budget of £100 and sent him off. The report was made more believable through its voice-over by respected broadcaster Richard Dimbleby. Peacock said Dimbleby knew they were using his authority to make the joke work, and that Dimbleby loved the idea and went at it eagerly.
At the time, 7 million of the 15.8 million homes (about 44%) in Britain had television receivers. Pasta was not an everyday food in 1950s Britain, and it was known mainly from tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce and considered by many to be an exotic delicacy.
Wikipedia
Additional Archival Photos (courtesy of the WLBOTT Archival Crew – WAC)
