Grocery Shopping, Part 2

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Lyra and Lochlan were excited while on their drive to Midland to shop at the new Whole Foods. Neither had been to Whole Foods before, and this was their first adventure spending their new riches. After much debate, they thought a small splurge was appropriate. They reviewed the rules they had established:

$200 max each (frittering away this much money seemed incredibly extravagant)
Food items only
Only items that they’d never tasted
Try to stay out of sight of each other
This will be our dinner tonight
60 minute time limit. meet back at Old Blue

They also agreed on a neutral zone, the northeast corner by the 82,000 square foot store, next to the shrimp mousse fountain, in case they needed to engage in diplomatic discussions or mid-course corrections.

It only took Lyra five minutes to text Lochlan. “Meetup.”

They met. Both shopping carts strategically hidden around nearby isles. Lyra started, “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck. We need to up the limit.”

“Agreed,” said Lochlan. And off they went, this time without a hard ceiling, just normal prudence. Fifty five minutes left on the clock.

Lochlan

Lochlan wanted to recreate “The Challenge” in City Slickers. He bought a large sea bass, asparagus, and for the potatoes au gratin, an ounce of Balkan donkey cheese ($14.95), an ounce of Swedish moose cheese ($18.45), four ounces of Somerdale Cranberry Wensleydale, eight ounces of Fromageries Papillon Revelation Roquefort ($20.24) and two pounds of Île-de-France brie.

Barry: What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?
Ira: Cherry vanilla?
Barry: No. If it was Chinese food right on the money, but this? Toasted almond.
Ira smiles and gives Barry a kiss on the forehead.
Mitch: What’s going on?
Ira: Barry can pick the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal.
Mitch scoffs at that.
Ira: Go ahead, challenge him.
Mitch: Challenge him?
Ira: Come on.
Mitch: Frank and beans.
Barry: Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don’t waste my time. Come on. Push me.
Mitch: Sea bass.
Barry: Grilled?
Mitch: Sauteed.
Barry: I’m with you.
Mitch: Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus.
[long, tense pause]
Barry [triumphant]: Rum raisin.

As a backup, Lochlan also selected a couple Cornish game hens, or “one-man-one-chicken”, as he called them.

Lyra

Lyra wanted a culinary adventure. She started in the spice isle and found these intriguing items:

Next the fruits and vegetables. She selected a rambutan, a durian, a custard apple, an ackee, a mangosteen, and a bag full of an oddity called “Buddha’s Hand.”

At the 55 mark, they could see each other at opposite ends of the checkout counter. They paid, then began the sprint to Old Blue. Lochlan was two cart lengths ahead until he hit a bump and the brie went flying, landing with a plop on the pavement. Lyra was already putting her groceries in the bed of Old Blue when the defeated Lochlan arrived. “What kept ‘ya?” she asked.

Back in Loving, they laid out their groceries, and were impressed with the exotic food that lay before them. For dinner, they agreed Lochlan would cook, making both the sea bass and the Cornish game hens, while Lyra prepared a cheese platter for an appetizer.

They were both disappointed with the bland taste of the brie (still edible after surviving the fall in the parking lot – just needed a quick dusting to remove the gravel). Lyra stirred in a can of Rotel hot diced tomatoes with habaneros, got out a bag of tortilla chips, and it went down pretty well.

Lochlan set the table for five, as they always did, lit the candle, and after a moment of silence, the two of them sat down for a feast of sea bass, Cornish game hen, asparagus and potatoes au graten, with a crazy fruit platter for dessert.

They were in for a surprise when Lyra unwrapped the durian. Little did they know of the infamous reputation of this odoriferous delight. Lochlan offered a brotherly comment, “Lyra, I’m so glad this was coming from the fruit. The whole trip back I thought it was you. Have you checked your boots lately?”

But that did not dampen their enthusiasm, and after opening the windows and doors, they truly enjoyed the fruit. Lyra described it like a vanilla/banana pudding. Lochlan thought there was a hint of garlic. He called it, “The King of Fruits before Regular Bathing was a Thing.”

Describing the smell…. It quickly became a competition:

Rotten onions soaked in vanilla pudding.
A Wink Wildcats’ locker room: mixture of gym socks, garlic, and overripe teenagers.
A possum crawled into an air-conditioning duct, died, and somebody sprayed vanilla air freshener into the vent.
An aromatherapy septic tank.
A dumpster behind a Wink cheese factory in August.
A pair of cowboy boots filled with onion soup and left on the dashboard of a pickup in July.
Somebody buried a wedding cake in a compost heap and dug it up during the honeymoon.

And so on and so forth…

The “Buddha’s Hands,” though mostly pith and rind, were fun.

After dinner, the twins were cleaning up and putting away the left-overs. Lyra double-wrapped the durian, because it was good, after all, and it cost $47. But the next morning, when she went to get cream for the coffee, she was met with the unpleasant reality of the durian. The durian had marked it’s territory.