Elder JimZim is celebrating his birthday. To make this day blott-o-licious, we offered Elder JimZim the vast resources of WLBOTT. He is at the helm of the creative flotilla.
His request? My mind went to my gratitude for my favorite bite – an open face pickles and mayonnaise sandwich (I do not share this delicacy). White bread, Hellmans Mayonnaise, and sliced kosher dill pickles. I’m not sure of the origin, but I started making these for myself in the 4th grade. – Elder JimZim
Memories are funny things. I seem to recall making his own pickle/mayo sandwiches at the age of FOUR. It was very empowering for him – it was the last survival skill he needed to make it in the adult world.
Anyhow…
Elder JimZim gets us started with some practical poetry:
This got my creative brine going in limerick and haiku:
There once was a young lad named Jimbo He entered the kitchen to create the best Sando A normal bloke would have grabbed cheese and Ham This would have been seen as normal by his Fam But alas, his magnificent sandwich creation was pickles and Mayo
The Condiment Wars Tore society apart Victor Hellmans spread
Elder JimZim
Pickle/Mayo Sando – The Nuts and Bolts
Let’s assume the classic recipe:
2 slices enriched white bread
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
4–5 dill pickle slices
Here’s a rough nutritional estimate:
Ingredient
Calories
Carbs
Protein
Fat
Sodium
White bread (2 slices)
140
26 g
4 g
2 g
260 mg
Mayonnaise (1 Tbsp)
90
0 g
0 g
10 g
90 mg
Dill pickle slices
5
1 g
0 g
0 g
300–500 mg
Total
235 kcal
27 g
4 g
12 g
650–850 mg
The Good News
Surprisingly modest calories
At around 230 calories, this is a fairly light lunch by modern standards. Many deli sandwiches run 500 to 900 calories.
Now let’s put Elder JimZim in a post-apocalyptic scenario: he wakes up in a burned out basement, with the full moon in his eyes. Through a bizarre set of dystopian supply chain issues, he has an endless supply of fresh mayo/pickle sandwiches and fresh water.
How will he meet his end, assuming he can’t find the one last Whole Foods? Elder G enumerates the possibilities:
The funny thing is, the JimZim Survival Sandwich performs better than you’d expect… until it suddenly doesn’t.
Week 1: “Everything’s Fine”
He’s getting:
enough calories
enough carbohydrates
enough fat
enough sodium
several B vitamins
iron
folic acid
He’ll probably feel reasonably normal.
The WLBOTT Ministry of Preparedness declares the sandwich “A Complete Emergency Preparedness Platform™.”
Month 1: “Where Did My Muscles Go?”
Protein becomes the first major problem.
Four grams per sandwich isn’t much. If he eats ten sandwiches a day, he’d get about 40 grams of protein, which might barely meet minimum needs for a smaller sedentary adult, but the protein quality isn’t ideal and there are almost no essential amino acids from varied sources. If he eats fewer sandwiches, protein deficiency becomes more pronounced.
The body begins recycling its own muscle. The official WLBOTT report reads: Subject remains optimistic but can no longer open pickle jars.
Month 2: “The Night Vision Incident”
Vitamin A becomes scarce.
Symptoms might include:
poor night vision
dry eyes
increased infection risk
The survivor insists:
“The apocalypse is getting darker.”
The apocalypse replies:
“No… that’s just your retinas.”
Month 3: “The Great Scurvy”
This is where things become wonderfully pirate-like.
There is essentially no vitamin C in the sandwich.
Classic scurvy symptoms begin:
fatigue
sore joints
bleeding gums
loose teeth
bruising
poor wound healing
Month 4: “Operation Crunchy Bones”
Vitamin D and calcium are almost absent.
Eventually:
bones weaken
muscles ache
fractures become more likely
Ironically, he has an infinite supply of sandwiches but now needs assistance carrying them.
Month 6 and Beyond
Other deficiencies pile up:
vitamin E
vitamin K (pickles provide only a little)
potassium
magnesium
zinc
iodine (unless iodized salt was used)
essential omega-3 fats
His immune system weakens. His skin becomes dry. Healing slows. Energy declines.
The Great Fiber Tragedy
[ed. note: this was actually our first concern for Elder JimZim, but we assume he has access to twine.]
White bread contains very little fiber. The WLBOTT Department of Gastrointestinal Logistics refuses to release its report to the public.
What Eventually Ends the Story?
Probably not starvation.More likely:
infection
complications from vitamin deficiencies (especially vitamin C)
progressive weakness
poor healing after even minor injuries
With enough calories and water, he might survive many months, perhaps close to a year or more, but the accumulating vitamin and mineral deficiencies would steadily undermine his health. Scurvy alone can become life-threatening if untreated after several months.
The Support Community
Elder JimZim is not alone on his journey. There is a tiny reddit community where Elder JimZim can find solace.
In full solidarity with Elder JimZim, the vast resources of WLBOTT have begun an advertising campaign in the finest culinary periodicals.
Semi-Sequitur: Wilt Chamberlain
When discussing this bday BLOTT with our creative team, one team member thought he/she recalled hearing that Wilt Chamberlain‘s favorite sandwich was also pickles/mayo.
But the historians of the Internet seem to have a different opinion:
The Legendary Pre-Game Meal According to teammate Jerry West, a typical pre-game meal order for Chamberlain included staggering amounts of food before taking the court:
Two to three one-pound brisket sandwiches
Three giant racks of ribs
Barbecued chicken and beans
Coleslaw and potato salad
Six cans of 7UP
Gemini
A Ladle & Lube Celebration!
Sister Magdalena and our artist-in-residence, Perch Periwinkle (of the La Mesa Periwinkles) surprised Elder JimZim an Italian Cream Pickles & Mayo birthday cake!
We took Elder JimZim on a tasting tour on the Mayo/Pickle circuit. In general, the food was good but the service varied wildly.
Happy Birthday, Elder JimZim!
WLBOTT has launched a signature sandwich in your honor!
