“You have to spend money to make money,” I tell myself as I buy yet another penguin.
Guest Humourist, Elder JA
The definition of a musician?
A musician is a guy who loads $5000 worth of music equipment into a $500 car and drives 100km for a $50 gig.
When I told this to my bass player, his ears perked up and he responded: “A paying gig? Where?”
“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?”
“Are you crazy?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
[ed. note: AI had some trouble with this complex human dynamic.]
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing…but not at a funeral.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
- I got a new pen that can write “under water”. It can write other words too.
- What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
- Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they’re extinct.
- I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
- Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.
- What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
- You don’t need a parachute to go sky-diving. You need one to go sky-diving twice.
- My resume is a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
- I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed….I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
- “Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.”
- Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
One reply on “We Didn’t Try Very Hard Today”
So this sky diver jumped out of the plane, pulled the cord and nothing happened. He didn’t panic, he just dug into the parachute pack for the emergency release, pulled it and nothing happened.
Then he noticed a guy going up and he hollered at him, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?”. “No,” he responded, “Do you know anything about gas barbeques?”