Two Weeks Notice
This whole “human experience” has been interesting, but it’s getting tedious. A few bad apples really do spoil the bunch. So I’ve put in my two-weeks notice and applied for species reassignment. Thinking about the vegetable kingdom.
Turns out the process is more complicated that I thought. Lots of paperwork, and a stringent review process.
Elder G guides us thru the process:
Application for Species Reassignment (Form VK-27B: Flora Division)
Step 1. Eligibility Screening
- Must be currently carbon-based and photosensitive to some degree.
- Must demonstrate a willingness to root down in one place for at least several decades.
- Must agree to abide by the Code of Chlorophyll (see appendix 7).
Step 2. Choosing Your Plant Path
- Tree: Longevity, wisdom, the occasional squirrel infestation.
- Shrub: Middle-management of the plant kingdom.
- Vine: You’ll always need someone else to lean on — but you’ll be great at parties.
- Root Vegetable: A life of depth, hidden treasures, and existential mud.
- Flower: Short-lived but adored, constantly in demand for weddings and funerals.
Step 3. Filing the Paperwork
Submit:
- One (1) gallon of compost (organic preferred).
- Three (3) signed affidavits from pollinators.
- A notarized leaf.
Step 4. Waiting Period
Processing times vary. Conversion to cactus can be completed in 2–3 weeks.
Conversion to oak tree may take up to 400 years. Please plan accordingly.Step 5. Orientation
Upon approval, you’ll attend the Green Sprout Seminar, where you’ll learn:Elder G
- How to photosynthesize without looking smug.
- Negotiating with fungi for root-space.
- Advanced standing still, with optional Zen credits.
Final approval must go thru The Queen of the Vegetable Queendom, personally.
Sovereign of Sap and Soil, Empress of the Green Veins, Defender of the Mulch, Guardian of the Sunbeam, First of Her Name, The Mighty Kale
The Royal Court
Her Chlorophyllic Majesty is surrounded by a wise and supportive court.
The Gatekeeper
The Royal Gatekeeper, Agnes of Sod, along with her dedicated staff of broccoli-crats, review all transfer applications before presenting them to Her Majesty.
The staff reviews all applications before presenting recommendations to Agnes of Sod, who will then present them to Her Majesty.
Note: Google’s Gemini refused to create an image of a nun with a Brussels sprout for a head, saying it was disparaging.
Outtakes
Too good to be left on the cutting room floor….
