{"id":49968,"date":"2025-05-19T12:09:01","date_gmt":"2025-05-19T17:09:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/?p=49968"},"modified":"2025-05-19T12:09:01","modified_gmt":"2025-05-19T17:09:01","slug":"tess-the-sweet-potato-intervention","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/?p=49968","title":{"rendered":"Tess: The Sweet Potato Intervention"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Dear Tess,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My name is Eulalia Boylem-Mashem (of the Dublin Boylem-Mashems), and I am at my wit\u2019s end. My husband, Bernard, began this madness innocently enough. He decided to plant sweet potatoes in our backyard, claiming they would provide a lovely, lush ground cover. Little did I know that his enthusiasm would root itself into something far more disturbing.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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At first, it was merely an obsession with the garden\u2014he spent hours watering, weeding, and speaking tenderly to the sweet potato vines. But then he began insisting that he was becoming<\/em><\/strong> a sweet potato. He now spends his mornings sunbathing in the backyard, claiming he\u2019s \u201cphotosynthesizing<\/em>.\u201d Worse, he has taken to bathing in bat guano, insisting that it provides essential \u2018soil nutrients.\u2019 Our neighbors think he\u2019s joined some bizarre cult, and I don\u2019t know what to tell them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Eulalia sent Tess a photo of her husband, Bernard, moisturizing in a nitrogen-rich bath of bat guano.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Understandably, Eulalia is on her last thread of twine.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>

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Last night, he refused to come to bed, insisting that his \u201ctubers\u201d needed the cool, moist soil of the garden to sleep properly. He\u2019s even begun mumbling something he calls \u201cRoot Language,\u201d which sounds like a series of grunts and muffled whispers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tess, I love my husband. I truly do. But I\u2019m losing him to this strange, sweet potato delusion. Please, help me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Desperately,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eulalia Boylem-Mashem<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In a follow-up letter, Eulalia <\/em>confided in Tess that Bernard was in danger of loosing his job. He couldn’t make it from the house to the car without yielding to pull of the sweet potato.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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And then came the delusional I Am the King of Tubers!<\/em> phase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My Dearest Eulalia,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, my dear Eulalia Boylem-Mashem<\/strong>\u2014your name alone hints at a natural talent for dealing with the strange world of tubers. Yet, I must admit, even I have never encountered a case quite like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Your husband is clearly experiencing a deeply rooted<\/strong> identity crisis (pun absolutely intended). But before you panic, consider this: a person who believes they are a sweet potato is not beyond salvation. In fact, I once counseled a rooster who thought he was a turnip. He went on to become a motivational speaker.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Your husband is clearly experiencing a deeply rooted<\/strong> identity crisis (pun absolutely intended). But before you panic, consider this: a person who believes they are a sweet potato is not beyond salvation. In fact, I once counseled a rooster who thought he was a turnip. He went on to become a motivational speaker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, lean into his sweet potato fantasy, but with gentle humor. Perhaps you could create a “Sweet Potato Spa” in the backyard\u2014a place where he can indulge his need for soil and sunshine in a way that keeps him safe. Offer him a nutrient-rich mud bath (non-toxic, of course) and tell him you\u2019re exploring organic guano alternatives that don\u2019t involve climbing bat caves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, try grounding <\/strong>him (pun also intended) by connecting his sweet potato passion to something productive. Could he teach a gardening class or join the local gardening club? Giving him an audience for his tuber wisdom might help him return to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But most importantly, don\u2019t forget to gently remind him that, while sweet potatoes are wonderful, they don\u2019t have the privilege of loving, supportive spouses like you. That alone should help him see the beauty of his humanity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And remember, Eulalia, in the garden of life, we all need a little mulch of understanding and a touch of sunlight to grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Warmly,
Tess Twinehart<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Intervention<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A gentle gathering of supportive WLBOTT Elders and religious leaders, along with his very torqued wife, led to Bernard’s decision to seek professional help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Bernard’s choice of rehab was the Home Depot Gardening Center<\/strong>. In honor of his successful growth experience, they installed this commemorative painting:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dear Tess, My name is Eulalia Boylem-Mashem (of the Dublin Boylem-Mashems), and I am at my wit\u2019s end. My husband, Bernard, began this madness innocently enough. He decided to plant sweet potatoes in our backyard, claiming they would provide a lovely, lush ground cover. Little did I know that his enthusiasm would root itself into […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[120,129],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49968","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-agriculture","category-tess-twinehart"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49968","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=49968"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49968\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":49996,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49968\/revisions\/49996"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=49968"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=49968"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=49968"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}