{"id":34439,"date":"2024-08-22T07:11:40","date_gmt":"2024-08-22T12:11:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/?p=34439"},"modified":"2024-08-22T07:23:47","modified_gmt":"2024-08-22T12:23:47","slug":"heavens-waiting-room","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/?p=34439","title":{"rendered":"Heaven’s Waiting Room"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

[ed. note: during the comprehensive peer review of today’s BLOTT<\/strong>, UC#2 pointed out that this topic has been covered by other great works of art, including Beetlejuice<\/strong>, Defending Your Life<\/strong>, Saturday Night Live<\/strong>, and possibly Eraserhead, Caged Heat: Parking Ticket Lockup III<\/strong>, and Rocky XXVII<\/strong>. However, at this point, we’d already invested more than 45 minutes with this topic, so we decided to run it.]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

WLBOTT<\/strong> recently landed to lucrative contract to manage both Heaven and Hell’s Waiting Rooms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Heaven’s Contract<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Contract Details<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Twine D\u00e9cor Clause:<\/strong> The waiting room must be decorated with at least 100 feet of high-quality, hand-spun twine at all times. Seasonal twine installations are required, including twine wreaths for the holidays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chickens for Comfort:<\/strong> A minimum of three live chickens must be present in the waiting room at all times to provide emotional support and entertainment for the souls waiting to enter heaven. The chickens must be well-behaved and trained in basic poultry etiquette.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marx Clause:<\/strong> After seeing the white light and going through the tunnel, all souls will be greeted by a Gro<\/strong>u<\/strong>cho Angel<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cosmic Comedy Hour:<\/strong> Twice daily, there will be a 15-minute stand-up comedy routine by a rotating roster of ancient philosophers, mythical creatures, and WLBOTT Elders, to keep spirits high while waiting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take-a-Number Machine: <\/strong>The take-a-number machine must dispense tickets made of biodegradable twine-paper, with humorous sayings printed on each ticket, such as “Patience is a virtue\u2014especially here!” or “Live, Laugh, Love.”[2]<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Heavenly Muzak Playlist:<\/strong> The background music in the waiting room will be Richard Clayderman on loop.[2]<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Optional Halo Polishing:<\/strong> As an added service (and for an additional fee), WLBOTT<\/strong> will offer halo polishing while souls wait. Tipping is encouraged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

High Speed<\/strong> Wi-Fi:<\/strong> Free, high-speed Wi-Fi will be provided, powered by Google twine fiber optics, ensuring that souls can check their celestial social media while they wait.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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[2]<\/strong><\/sup> Oddly, these items were also required by the demons negotiating the Hell’s Waiting Room contract.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Elders Celebrate the Awarding of the Contract<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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The Groucho Greeting<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Welcome to Heaven!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Proof of the Pudding: Heaven’s Waiting Room Under WLBOTT Management<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Hell’s Contract<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Also some tough negotiations…. I think my old boss from IBM was sitting with their team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Waiting Room Contract for Hell<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Twine D\u00e9cor Clause: <\/strong>Demons are responsible for ensuring the twine decorations remains tangled and aesthetically unpleasing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Infernal Comedy Hour:<\/strong> A couple of the Elders are taking a stand-up comedy class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take-a-Number Machine:<\/strong> Broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Queue Management:<\/strong> Demons are authorized to use light-hearted mischief to manage long queues, including telling darkly humorous jokes, engaging in twine-based tricks, and offering free “patience charms” that may or may not work. They will also go on and on about WLBOTT. It is hell, after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eternal <\/strong>Dial-Up<\/strong>: <\/strong>The demons insisted on using Spectrum and issuing non-stop pop-ups. It is hell, after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twine Warranty: <\/strong>A lot of “fine print”. If you ever signed up for a free trial of Disney+, you are out of luck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Implementation<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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After Hours \/ After Life Comedy Club<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The help pass the time (it feels like an eternity<\/strong><\/em>), the waiting rooms have a comedy club. You’ll be entertained by some of the world’s greatest thinkers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Elder G<\/strong> gives us some of the best one-liners from the AfterLife club.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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  1. Socrates<\/strong>: “I know one thing: that I know nothing\u2026 but at least I\u2019m sure this crowd knows less!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Plato<\/strong>: “I used to think the world was just shadows on a cave wall, but now I see the light\u2014turns out, it’s just the spotlight!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Aristotle<\/strong>: “Everything in moderation, including my jokes\u2014don\u2019t worry, they\u2019ll only get moderately worse!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. Descartes<\/strong>: “I think, therefore I am\u2026 funny! And if you disagree, are you even here?”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Kant<\/strong>: “I\u2019m not saying my humor is universal, but according to my categorical imperative, you should all be laughing!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. Nietzsche<\/strong>: “God is dead\u2026 but I\u2019m alive, and so are my jokes! Let\u2019s give nihilism a reason to smile tonight.”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. Confucius<\/strong>: “Man who stands on hill with mouth open will wait a long time for roast duck\u2026 but man who laughs at my jokes is wise indeed!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. Laozi<\/strong>: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single joke\u2026 and this one\u2019s going to take us all the way to enlightenment!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  9. Sartre<\/strong>: “Hell is other people\u2026 unless they\u2019re laughing at your jokes\u2014then it\u2019s heaven!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  10. Wittgenstein<\/strong>: “If a joke can be said at all, it can be said clearly; but if you don\u2019t get it, that\u2019s on you!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  11. Marx<\/strong>: “Last night I dreamt I was a stand-up comedian\u2026 and then I woke up and realized the punchline was capitalism!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  12. Camus<\/strong>: “Life is absurd, but my jokes? They\u2019re the most absurd of all\u2014laugh, or rebel against the humor, your choice!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  13. Epicurus<\/strong>: “Why worry about death? It\u2019s just like missing the punchline\u2014if you\u2019re not there, it doesn\u2019t matter!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  14. Hobbes<\/strong>: “In the state of nature, my jokes are nasty, brutish, and short\u2014but in society, they\u2019re just short!”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  15. Kierkegaard<\/strong>: “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom\u2026 kind of like trying to figure out if you should laugh at this existential joke!”<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    And the encore….<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. Socrates:<\/strong> \u201cI know that I know nothing\u2026 but I do know this crowd could use a little more wine!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. Plato:<\/strong> \u201cThey say the unexamined life isn\u2019t worth living, but have you tried the unexamined joke? It\u2019s a real knee-slapper!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    3. Aristotle:<\/strong> \u201cVirtue lies in the mean\u2026 unless you\u2019re mean to me, in which case, virtue\u2019s going out the window!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    4. Confucius:<\/strong> \u201cMan who stand on toilet is high on pot, but man who sit on wisdom always rise to the occasion.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    5. Diogenes:<\/strong> \u201cI was looking for an honest man\u2026 but instead, I found a bartender with a great sense of humor!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    6. Epicurus:<\/strong> \u201cPleasure is the greatest good\u2014especially when it\u2019s chocolate. Trust me, I\u2019ve done the research.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    7. Zeno of Citium:<\/strong> \u201cYou can\u2019t step in the same river twice\u2026 but you can definitely slip on a banana peel twice if you\u2019re not careful!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    8. Pythagoras:<\/strong> \u201cTriangles are the most stable shape\u2026 but nothing stabilizes a bad joke like a solid punchline!\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    9. Heraclitus:<\/strong> \u201cThe only constant is change\u2026 and the fact that nobody gets my jokes the first time around.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    10. Laozi:<\/strong> \u201cA journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step\u2026 and ends with the realization that you\u2019ve forgotten your punchline!\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      [ed. note: during the comprehensive peer review of today’s BLOTT, UC#2 pointed out that this topic has been covered by other great works of art, including Beetlejuice, Defending Your Life, Saturday Night Live, and possibly Eraserhead, Caged Heat: Parking Ticket Lockup III, and Rocky XXVII. However, at this point, we’d already invested more than 45 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[47,14,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34439","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventures-of-the-elders","category-curated-absurdity","category-existential-angst"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34439","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=34439"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34439\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34494,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34439\/revisions\/34494"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=34439"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=34439"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wlbott.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=34439"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}